Wee Boy: Mom, now I’m going to be asking Santa for an alligator this year. Please don’t tell him not to bring it because then he won’t

Wee Boy: mom is it okay if I watch TV?
Marley: If Dave doesn’t want to watch anything that’s fine.
Wee Boy: Dave do you want to watch anything?
Me: I’m going to work out actually.
Wee Boy: Good job Dave! Fist bump! (holds his fist out)…you are doing awesome!

Marley: so how was your weekend Matthew?
Wee Boy: pretty good…my stomach still hurts
Marley: oh really?
Wee Boy: well I took two huge dumps. And you remember the red underwear? Well I pooed in them. So how was your weekend?

Me: Bud you wanna go to Pizza Palace? I hear they have a spinach tomato and sardine special…let’s try it.
Wee Boy: Dave..I’m warning you…I’m going to get upset. You wouldn’t like me upset…which I’m about to get

My mom: Matthew what would you like for Christmas?
Wee Boy: a pet eel
My mom: okay check
Wee Boy: no I said a pet eel

Wee Boy: Mom you’re the best cook ever!
Marley: Thank you Matthew! Would you like to try one of the cookies I made?
Wee Boy: No not really

Wee Boy: Dave you know what I wish?
Me: what?
Wee Boy: that I had 8 arms
Me: why would you want 8 arms?
Wee Boy: Dave, do know how much you could do with 8 arms? You could play 2 video games and homework at the same time while hanging off the side of a building!

“you better not pout, you better not shout, you better not pout, you better not shout, you better not pout, Santa Claus is coming to town!”- how wee boy is singing the lyrics to the song

Marley: so what do you want to name your pet crab?
Wee Boy: Hmmm…how about Crabby Pincher? But just say Pincher…the ‘crabby’ part is silent