Wee Boy: Dave why are you so wet!
Me: just got out of the shower
Wee Boy. Oh. Well no offense Dave but if I got out of the shower I’d be twice as wet as you
Wee Boy: So Aiden have you ever been hunting?
Wee Boy: Would you ever want to go hunting?
Aiden: No I don’t think I could shoot an animal
Wee Boy: Oh don’t worry, you get over that real fast.
Kid at museum: Do you go to church?
Wee Boy: Sometimes
Kid: Which church do you go to?
Wee Boy: I dunno. I think church is creepy how they turn Jesus’s body into bread and eat him
Wee Boy (to his friend): so Dave told me all about how Al Capone was a famous gangster and he made lots of money and killed lots of people
Timmy (his friend): really? That’s cool!
Wee Boy: yeah, but he had to go to jail because he didn’t pay his taxes. So he couldn’t sell beer anymore. And that’s why it’s so important to pay your taxes.
(preface: I have no idea what the context here is but the wee boy has a friend over and he’s explaining things to him)
Wee Boy: So Timmy, there’s one thing I want you to never do. Don’t ever split an atom. Seriously. You do that and you’re just asking for a nuclear explosion.
Wee Boy: yeah don’t you remember WWII?
Timmy: oh yeah…you can tell which wars are more violent and cooler because the numbers go up.
Wee Boy: yeah you don’t want to start WWIII
Wee Boy: So Dave, the kids and I were talking today and I think it’d be better to have a brother than a sister
Me: oh yeah? Why do you say that?
Wee Boy: well I think with a sister, they’ll bring their boyfriends over, they’ll text all the time and they call you a loser. With brothers, they just break your stuff
Wee Boy: So my friend Timmy says I’m the luckiest kid he knows
Me: oh yeah why’s that?
Wee Boy: oh I don’t know. Maybe because I’m skinny, tall and I’m good at doing the worm
Me: so you excited for your sleepover this weekend?
Wee Boy: oh yeah. You bet
Me: cool! Yeah it’ll be fun!
Wee Boy: yeah. I think it might be a little weird though
Me: oh yeah why’s that?
Wee Boy: well at Timmy’s house they vote for Obama and my grandpa says we all vote for Romney.
Me: well in this house we vote all kinds of ways. But that won’t matter to you.
Wee Boy: I dunno. But I’ll let you know if they do anything weird
Wee Boy: So Dave, I told my friend Jake’s dad that you took me to the most haunted place in the country to walk around
Me: oh yeah what did he say?
Wee Boy: He said “I’m not surprised”
Wee Boy: so mom, want to hear what happened yesterday? A kid walked up and punched me.
Marley: what?! Matthew why did he punch you?
Wee Boy: I’m not sure. But I think it’s because I hit him in the face with a snowball