( showing the wee boy how Apple Loops work on my new rig in the basement )
Wee Boy: that’s pretty neat Dave. But can this thing play any Beastie Boys? Cos if not is it okay if I go back upstairs and watch my show?
(Watching Breakfast Club)
Emilio Estevez: what did your parents do to you?
Ally Sheedy: (whispers) they ignore me
Wee Boy: what did she say?
Marley: she said her parents ignore her
Wee Boy: oh. Yeah, looking at her I can see why
Wee Boy: Dave you’re an awesome step dad. Plus you get mad at a lot of things, like people chewing with their mouth open. But that’s okay. You’d probably make a good social studies teacher.
Me: what’s your favorite thing about this movie (Sharknado)
Wee Boy: when the sharks attack the people and the people attack the sharks
Me: what’s your least favorite thing?
Wee Boy: The drama and pretty much everything else. But the music is good.
Wee Boy: hey I’m going to put these handcuffs on
Me: on yourself?
Wee Boy: Yeah
Me: You’re really into those cuffs eh?
Wee Boy: well yeah. You know how sometimes you want to see what it’s like to be a criminal? That’s what I’m doing. “Get me out of here! I was framed! I’ll never last in prison!”
Marley: so you think you’ll be a protective older brother to your sister
Wee Boy: oh yeah. If she has a loser boyfriend I’ll shoot him in the balls with a paint gun. It’ll leave a bruise
Marley: Go upstairs and brush your teeth
Wee Boy: but I’m playing with Sophie
Marley: well it’s time to brush your teeth
Wee Boy: *sigh* well all I wanna do is just be a boy who loves his dog but i guess teeth are more important
Marley: Matthew use a fork to eat your chicken!
Wee Boy: well I like using my hands
Marley: when you’re at the dinner table you use your fork. That’s table manners.
Wee Boy: You know, this weekend my grandpa told me to use a fork while eating my chicken strips. I didn’t like it, so I used my hands. He didn’t like it but I have a feeling my whole family is about to turn against me. Even you. Yep, I’m in for a long battle.
Wee Boy: why does it smell like crap in here?
(Glare from Marley)
Wee Boy: sorry…why it smell like shit in here?
Wee Boy: Dave did you know Barney isn’t a real dinosaur? He’s a fake?
Me: (sarcastically) He’s not??
Wee Boy: nope. He’s a naked man in a suit and sometimes he smokes.