Postmortem Bills

Wee Boy: that’s really sad about the Fast and Furious guy dying in that accident
Me: yeah
Wee Boy: what was the car he was in?
Me: it was a pretty expensive car. It was a racing Porsche
Wee Boy: oh
(A minute later)
Wee Boy: I bet when that guy crashed and died he thought to himself “well, a good thing is that I won’t have to pay all the bills on this car anymore”. I know that’s what I’d think.


Living humbly

(driving in Hinsdale)
Me: dude kids born in these houses come into this world with a silver spoon up their ass, we want to make sure you are always down to earth
Wee Boy: Dave, that’s impossible. Kids aren’t born with things up their butts are they mom?

Calling the President

Wee Boy: hey Dave, you know what would be awesome?
Me: no what?
Wee Boy: if I accidentally dialed the president.
Me: oh yeah?
Wee Boy: yeah. He’d pick up and say “hello this is Barack Obama” and I’d say “Obama! What the eff?!” And hang up before he knew who called.

Home Security

Wee Boy: so when are we taking a trip to Australia?
Me: when you come up with 15 grand or so to afford the trip
Wee Boy: hmm, well I don’t have that much. The only reason I want to go is because I want to get an emu egg so I can raise it
Me: well even if you do get an emu egg, you’re not raising it at our house
Wee Boy: well have you thought of the benefits? We’d never have burglars because they’d see the emu through the windows.
Me: so you’re saying emus make good guard animals?
Wee Boy: yes! Plus we could make sure its friends with Sophie. We could put signs up that say “Beware Attack Emus”. It’d be perfect! Just don’t make an omelett out of the egg Dave. That would make me really upset.
Me: well how about we just put up the signs. We don’t need to actually have the attack Emu.
Wee Boy: Dave. That’s ridiculous. Burglars will never believe it just because there’s a sign.