Hard Day at School

Me: So bud let’s talk about our day. How’d your day go?
Wee Boy: Well, I farted at school a lot. I couldn’t help it.
Me: oh..did people say anything?
Wee Boy: No. Well Miss Gurnee looked at me and then looked away and went to get a book. But I kept on farting. So Dave, tell me about how your day went?

Snow and Disaster Costs

Wee Boy: Dave is it snowing?
Me: Doesn’t look like it
Wee Boy: So Dave, that reminds me, I have to ask you, what cost more, the Titanic or the iceberg that killed the Titanic?

Inspiration

Wee Boy: mom is it okay if I watch TV?
Marley: If Dave doesn’t want to watch anything that’s fine.
Wee Boy: Dave do you want to watch anything?
Me: I’m going to work out actually.
Wee Boy: Good job Dave! Fist bump! (holds his fist out)…you are doing awesome!

Occupational Direction

Me: you know bud, as you get older you’ll probably have all kinds of jobs
Wee Boy: why wouldn’t I just work at the video game store?

The Weekend

Marley: so how was your weekend Matthew?
Wee Boy: pretty good…my stomach still hurts
Marley: oh really?
Wee Boy: well I took two huge dumps. And you remember the red underwear? Well I pooed in them. So how was your weekend?

Fair Warning

Me: Bud you wanna go to Pizza Palace? I hear they have a spinach tomato and sardine special…let’s try it.
Wee Boy: Dave..I’m warning you…I’m going to get upset. You wouldn’t like me upset…which I’m about to get

Ideas for Christmas

My mom: Matthew what would you like for Christmas?
Wee Boy: a pet eel
My mom: okay check
Wee Boy: no I said a pet eel

Cooking Compliments

Wee Boy: Mom you’re the best cook ever!
Marley: Thank you Matthew! Would you like to try one of the cookies I made?
Wee Boy: No not really

Practical Uses for New Appendages

Wee Boy: Dave you know what I wish?
Me: what?
Wee Boy: that I had 8 arms
Me: why would you want 8 arms?
Wee Boy: Dave, do know how much you could do with 8 arms? You could play 2 video games and homework at the same time while hanging off the side of a building!

Santa Claus is Coming to Town Lyrics

“you better not pout, you better not shout, you better not pout, you better not shout, you better not pout, Santa Claus is coming to town!”- how wee boy is singing the lyrics to the song