Category Life

How Christmas works

Me (to Marley): man I thought Christmas was Saturday for some reason.
Wee Boy: Dave it’s the 25th. And that’s Sunday. You go to bed on the 24th and Santa comes and then you open your presents. That’s how it works. Let me know if you have any questions I can explain it for you.

Movies aren’t real

Wee Boy: Dave I want to see Alvin and the Chipmunks
Me: Well you’ll have to find somebody else to take you
Wee Boy: why?
Me: Because I can’t stand them.
Wee Boy: what don’t you like about them?
Me: that they exist
Wee Boy: they don’t exist Dave. It’s just a movie, they aren’t real.

Who to Talk To About It

Wee Boy: Mom! I have a problem! My penis is getting big again!
Marley: Matthew that’s normal. And it’ll start happening more
Wee Boy: Oh god really?
Marley: Yeah and really that’s something you should talk to Dave or your dad about cos that’s really a private boy thing
Wee Boy: Yeah I guess so since all you’ve got is a vagina

Burritos

Marley: I can’t believe you can eat a whole burrito (at chipotle) now. I remember when you couldn’t finish 3 tacos.
Wee Boy: Yep. The day Dave told me what a burrito was my life changed forever.

Boys with Boys

Wee Boy: So what’s with boys who are with boys?
Marley: Well some people are in love with people of the same gender.
Wee Boy: Is it bad that I think it’s weird?
Marley: why do you think it’s weird?
Wee Boy: Well doesn’t a penis go with a vagina?
Marley: Well not always. It’s perfectly normal to feel that way at your age, but what’s important is that you treat everybody equally regardless of who they are in love with.
Wee Boy: Well girls and girls together are good, but I don’t know about two guys.
Me: Well as you get older, you’ll meet guys who are together that are perfectly cool guys. I’m sure you’ll talk about more about this in school.
Wee Boy: yeah probably
(dear god I hope the education system doesn’t muck this up)

Apologizing

(Playing original 8 bit NES Contra)
Me: Hey that gun with the S on it, don’t get that let me get it
Wee Boy: why can’t I have it?
Me: cos I need it for this level
Wee Boy: well could I use it for the level?
Me: just let me get it okay?
Wee Boy: well what happens if I get it?
Me: you’ll die like 2 seconds after you get the gun and we won’t have it
(About 10 seconds go by)
Wee Boy: you know you can just go ahead and say you’re sorry for saying that if you want.

Important Question

Wee Boy: hey Dave..
Me: hold on bud, I’m trying to concentrate
Wee Boy: well I have a question for you
Me: well give me a minute
Wee Boy: okay
(2minutes later)
Wee Boy: Dave are you done yet?
Me: not yet…this is a windy road dude I need to concentrate
Wee Boy: well I just need to ask you something
Me: gimmie a sec
(5 minutes later)
Me: okay what’s up?
Wee Boy: Finally! Okay, I need to ask you, what would you rather have, your grandma’s name or her haircut?