Marley: so what do you need to do today
Me: well I have some work I need to do, then I need to get a workout in
Wee Boy: you sure workout a lot Dave. You must have a really healthy colon.
Me: what? Why do you say that?
Wee Boy: oh I just heard a commercial that talked about how important it is to have a healthy colon and the people on it were exercising.
Category Life
Bad Joke
Me: So if I have cheese for my chips and you don’t do you know what that’s called?
Wee Boy: what?
Me: that’s nacho cheese!
Marley: you get it? “Not your cheese”
Wee Boy: oh, yeah I get it.
(a couple minutes latter)
Wee Boy: Dave I hope I don’t hurt your feelings, but I don’t think that’s a very good joke
Catching Werewolves
Wee Boy: So Dave, you know what would suck about being a werewolf? Everytime you turned into a werewolf your clothes would all rip up and get torn off. You’d probably wake up the next day and be like “Gawd! Now I have to buy more clothes!”
Me: yeah, that’d get expensive after awhile.
Wee Boy: yeah it would. But you know what I’d do if I were a werewolf hunter? I’d go to the village clothing store and see who bought new pants after a werewolf attack because that’s probably who the werewolf is.
What’s Good about Dave
Wee Boy: Mom I’m really glad you met Dave. Because of him I know about old times, David Bowie, Drive by Truckers, Johnny Cash, The Beatles, Metallica, Slayer, ribs, burritos and haunted places.
Bathroom recognition
Wee Boy: Dave don’t feel bad about my mom telling you to spray after you’ve been in the bathroom. At least she says something. Look at me- when I take a crap nobody even cares!
Triathlon Bikes
(Wee boy gets on my Tri bike on the trainer)
Wee Boy: geeze Dave! How do you even have a penis if you ride this thing!
Child Negativity
Marley: Okay Matthew, TV off now. You need to read for at least 30 minutes today, so why don’t you go get one of your chapter books?
Wee Boy: well how about I stop watching TV and play Nintendo
Marley: no, Matthew you need to read. Dave and I will be watching a documentary in the living room
Wee Boy: well how about I play Legos and read Time for kids?
Marley: Matthew you need to read your chapter books! I didn’t spend $50 on those books for you not to read them!
Wee Boy: well I just think that…
Marley: Matthew I’m not going to argue with you. You need to spend 30 minutes reading your chapter book! Go do it!
Wee Boy: You know mom, I’m really concerned about all this negativity. I think this negative attitude towards your child is really unhealthy
Home Security
Wee Boy: so when are we taking a trip to Australia?
Me: when you come up with 15 grand or so to afford the trip
Wee Boy: hmm, well I don’t have that much. The only reason I want to go is because I want to get an emu egg so I can raise it
Me: well even if you do get an emu egg, you’re not raising it at our house
Wee Boy: well have you thought of the benefits? We’d never have burglars because they’d see the emu through the windows.
Me: so you’re saying emus make good guard animals?
Wee Boy: yes! Plus we could make sure its friends with Sophie. We could put signs up that say “Beware Attack Emus”. It’d be perfect! Just don’t make an omelett out of the egg Dave. That would make me really upset.
Me: well how about we just put up the signs. We don’t need to actually have the attack Emu.
Wee Boy: Dave. That’s ridiculous. Burglars will never believe it just because there’s a sign.
Crumbs on the couch
Marley: Matthew! You got Doritos all over the floor! Eat those at the table!
Wee Boy: I’m sorry mom. I always try to be the best human being I can, and from now on I’ll try even harder
New Sibling
Marley: Matthew I have some news
Wee Boy: what’s that?
Marley: you’re going to be a big brother!!
Wee Boy: really?
Marley: yap!
Wee Boy: nice…
Wee Boy (a minute later): ya know I knew it!
Marley: really?
Wee Boy: yeah…I knew you and Dave have sex!
Musings From the Wee Boy 